Plush

I'm sitting out before God and everyone on the front porch as if I'm not the squirreliest fuck on this street. Talk about getting outside your comfort zone; I've breached mine and the alarms are going off. The breeze is warm and this neighborhood is sweet so having an agenda helps me enjoy the stimuli…

Gone

The machines are gone. Your things are packed up and gone. The urn has gone down the aisle and the friends who followed, gone.You said to me "I'm not just giving up." and cried. Even at the end we worry about being misread.I miss knowing that you're in this world with your sarcastic looks when…

Big Ten Inch

Packing for an overnight stay anywhere is stupid. You always forget something and yet bring along seventy things you don't need like a ball of your cat's fur and an 8x10 of your dog because you might miss him. After Xavier got killed, my sisters 16-year-old big tiger tomcat Moe (aka Momo, Bro-Moe-No-HoMo, MOElassass, MOEzambique,…

The Calm

Another Nor'eastern at the southern Jersey shore today. While they often give me a headache, once the aspirin kicks in, I can enjoy the blustering, billowing winds, the whipping tree branches and how everything gets swept clean in its wake. A lot like life. Having moved house amongst great upheaval also signified sweeping things clean.…

8675309

  He said "I believe you." and that was all it took for a little, tiny, stupid splitter of stupid to start in me. I put the number to the closest TSC clinic in my phone. For a good time call... It's an hour and a half away (at least). I don't drive (epilepsy). This…

I’m Woke

There's something wonderful and annoying about five a.m. when you don't have to be awake. And yet you are. Being awake throughout the night isn't a choice for many of us and I'm no different. The nights I'm only awake a few times for short periods are awesome. Finding out that the pain I've learned…

Positive Zeros

"Are you very busy?" the text read. When someone close with you types that you become un-busy. I've been in Philadelphia a week dog and house-sitting, having a vacation. The first four days my body slept. And slept. And slept. Literally about every two to four hours I slept. I woke with tics still like…

Clearing

I've had enough of this shit, this being sick shit, this life of illness, pills, symptoms, walls, internal life, a really short chain bullshit. It was supposed to be "We find out what's wrong, we work on it and we go back to a better, stronger, successful (finally) life". At least then I had pride in…

Whoosh-Clunk

The sounds in a hospital are distinct and frightening in their measured "Sh, everything is fine, everything is under control." muffled dings and beeps. What is supposed to soothe becomes like the carnival sounds in some horrible medical fun house where the fear that lurks and jumps are bacterium, respiration numbers, blood counts and assorted je…

Ableism Isn’t Nonviolent-You’re Killing Us

Crutches & Spice

Daniel Harris | Mirror UK
I wish I could come up with some clever reaction to the recent deaths of disabled peoples in the last few months. It would make things easier. Instead, I’m going to make your lives a bit more difficult and ask one simple question: how valuable are disabled lives when they’re not inspirational?I once described ableism in terms and stereotypes everyone could understand, but I seem to have been talking to a wall. So, I’ll be blunt. You, as an able-bodied person, are conditioned to watching people like me die over and over again and not to question a thing. You feed yourselves story lines where disabled people are used for their inspirational capital and discarded once the protagonist has gotten where they are meant to be in life. You describe our suicides as freeing and peaceful not even realizing that same rationale was used…

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Chairs

Phenomenon (1996) - Doc: Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa's chairs were and buy 'em? [pause] Doc: Nope. But, you're right about one thing, George never changed.   I've heard before that love is a decision. It took a long time for…

Dumping Sugar and Adding Self Preservation

Eleven a.m. and waiting for my daily nausea to pass. Usually, some hot, black coffee, at most coffee with lactose-free milk, will settle things enough for medicines to be tolerated. Last night after eating one Drumstick ice cream cone, then a pudding cup, followed by a, eight ounce cup of prepared iced coffee, I tossed…

Change, Acceptance and Resistance

"...The above mentioned lifestyle mourning and change will be true of new wls people. It will be tough and you will need mentors, support (at all stages) and people to bounce ideas and feelings off in order to see just what it is you're feeling until you know yourself better. Going through becoming a thin person, if you've never done the 'getting smaller, watch people change towards you' thing is eye-opening and freaky..."

Malfunctioning Dysfunctional Funky Monkey

Stacking low-calorie frozen dinners in the freezer like some slightly mis-measured Tetris game, all I can think is "How many chemicals are in this shit?" and about whether the end justifies the means in this situation. Convincing myself it does, I continue to stack the meals into the four-foot by two foot tundra. They keep…