Some days we want to just crawl into oblivion for awhile.
Today was like that for me.
I’ve had a few days of it coming to a head, but something cemented a core belief about myself that is inaccurate and damaging. I wanted to stay in bed and sleep for a month.
The gas company had failed to fill my tank and last night, during a storm, I ran out of heating gas. They came out and put a replacement tank but needed to fill my regular tank today. I sat around waiting. I had no desire to do anything. I tried to write but nothing came except the negative statement repeating over and over in my head. It just echoed over and over again. It was the voice of my grandmother and my ex husband who used to say this to me when ever angry at me…in fact my ex husband still does on occasion. I was tired and the sentiments of Ecclesiastics filled me:
1:1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem:
2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”
3 What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?
4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever.
5 The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises.
6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course.
7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again.
8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.
9 What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.
11 There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.
12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem.
13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men!
14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.
15 What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted.
16 I thought to myself, “Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.”
17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.
18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.
I decided to toss a question out to the Twitter-verse: “What do you do on days you feel hopeless?“. I needed some kind of hope, relief from the pain, direction because I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.
I received four replies and they are things I know, but just what I couldn’t name, I couldn’t remember as I was swirled and muddied.
@1_eat_pray_love :@Christal_L On days I feel hopeless, I’m very quiet. I don’t wanna make things worse by spewing negative predictions on what could b a gr8 2morrow.
@MyClonesAction Pray! RT @Christal_L What do you do on days you feel hopeless? #wls #lapband
@trinaxxlÂ @Christal_L I try to give other people advice, then I realize if I can help them I can help me, that and art, always art
@Band2get @Christal_L I try to take my focus off of myself. Supporting and encouraging others who feel hopeless, often ends up encouraging me!
The relief was slow moving, like muscles unknotting in your shoulders, but immediately I knew these were all answers I needed to hear. But unless I had sought them out, I wouldn’t have gotten a small answer that I needed at that moment.
Become willing to be relieved of our pain…become willing to let go of our suffering…toughest thing we humans do.
My tank is now filled ( in more ways than one ) and I can go on with my day.
July 20, 2016
I’m finding these things to no longer work at all times. We give until we have nothing left. There is little brevity in the world. People are scared of sickness. People are afraid of relationships with sick people. Even my S. admitted to being afraid when he found out about my illness, contemplating ending it. he himself became ill, began to understand how easy it is to love someone who is ill, that they are simply another human, none of us are guaranteed good health. We begin to put on false masks to not lose people, not make others uncomfortable, to give until it hurts even on days it hurts. We make jokes to make it easier to live with and it makes people uncomfortable so we stop talking about it at all. Today I believe it IS all Meaningless, Meaningless. whether that annoys someone, some Miss Mary Sunshine you-must-think-it-all-better-you’re-harshing-my-mellow or not, they can shove it up their watertight ass. I deserve love, I deserve romantic love, I deserve friends and I won’t take pity love, I won’t take half way and if that means being alone over being with false love then so be it. Fuck it with a red hot poker.
Maggie Murdock: You are not a good person because you pity fucked a sick girl. ~ Love and Other Drugs