I sorta’ ditched group yesterday. I just…left.
I did tell someone I was leaving, my counselor who hadn’t seen me in forever. But any others along the way, I failed to mention my leaving and, you know, just generally bugging the fuck out.
Monday I didn’t go because I needed to clean up the huge batch of sewage in my bathroom that was seeping into the hall rug (A previous post). Tuesday I was tired. Wednesday I was stressed (which is a reality, I had NO gas, literally….as in “car-will-not-move-long-without-it” low). So Thursday I only made it through the first group. The anxiety and wish to push everyone away are huge, overwhelming.
Many will be pissed because they’re concerned but I just can’t do it. Not without shattering. They are too close, too invested. It makes me hinky. I feel smothered by my depth of involvement. It’s like being at the top of a tall building or walking up a long staircase. You’re fine until you look down.
While watching a Finnish movie “Christmas Story” (‘Joulutarina’) which gives a beautiful story of Saint Nickolaus, I fought tears the length of the story. It could be because the boy looked like my son S.P. at that age. I know I connected with the sense of being orphaned, but any deeper than that…nope, I got nuttin’.
Santa made me cry.
I don’t know how to work through what’s going on in me, if I can work through it and if I should even work through it at all. It’s difficult to know what is a good healthy behavior and what is a symptom, ya’ know? So, instead, I paint pine cones gold for garlands, play Sims in between cleaning house, rearranging and crying over Santa.
OK, so anyway, I’m on a few shit lists but it can’t be helped now. I ditched the group, literally went outside, got in my car and just drove. I’m laughing just thinking about how that’s crazy. Like some drunk sneaking a drink, out the side door (cue George Thorogood & The Destroyers ) and freedom! It reminds me of when I was a teen. Sometimes the need to run away was more overpowering than the fear of pissing people off or the situation once you came back.
I’m crying at movies about Santa Claus, ditching group and refusing to talk about whatever it is when I am at group. The reality is, I don’t know what is going on under the waters here. I’d like to care more, but I don’t…I’m good right where I am, thanks.
Hey, let’s ditch and go to the movies, OK? Anything but movies about orphaned kids that become Santa Claus, I can’t seem to hang with them.