How Seth Rogen Saved Me From Oreos

I don’t care what anyone says, even Seth Rogen himself, his movies make me laugh and he’s cute as a button.

S.P., S.L., E., L.J. and I spent our Christmas together this last week and one of my gifts was a Chromecast. I’m watching “The Interview” on Netflix. People complain about ridiculous comedies, looking for great dramatic acting, believable plots and for them to be intellectually stimulating. It’s a purposely ridiculous comedy. It’s meant for escape, comedy and silliness. You need to suspend your sense of disbelief to enjoy or just don’t watch it. You end up hoping the buffoon wins the girl, gets the job, tackles the bully and basically get’s vindicated. That’s the point.

Actor Seth Rogen with his wife, actress Lauren Miller, at the 69th Annual Golden Globes Awards. by jdeeringdavis - Creative Commins License Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)
Actor Seth Rogen with his wife, actress Lauren Miller, at the 69th Annual Golden Globes Awards. by jdeeringdavisCreative Commins License Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0)

Escape. Redemption. Laughter.

Some days it’s Shakespeare and Tylenol. Some days it’s a fun movie and Seth. It’s a Hell of a lot better than chocolate Oreos. Seriously, he’s better than Oreos. Don’t tell him I said that, ok? I’m not, like, all fangirl nuts or anything. Last night it was chocolate Oreos and then I had to lay down, sick from carbohydrate overload on a VSG Frankengullet. He┬ádidn’t make me nauseated, but Oreos made me sweat and almost barf. So, you see how he and James trying to kill that asshole in the movie is a much healthier choice for me? {Making weighing scales of my hands} Tigers, shoving things up butts, plans to off dictators, snickering and laughing on one hand or Oreos, barfing, severely sweating and wishing to die from too many carbs, too fast on the other hand? {does the scale shift movement} I think we know the answer.

I’d been saving Seth (he won’t mind me calling him by his first name. We’re practically best friends, I mean, he saved me from Oreos, right?) and James Franco until I knew 1) my watching the movie was paid for (after everything they went through with North Korea being twat-burgers, they deserve pay, at least a smidgen, to make up for some of what was lost) and 2) it was going to be used for a good reason and today was a good reason.

Afinitor enrollment app filled out and faxed
Afinitor enrollment app filled out and faxed

E. had a rough day, I’m detoxing from the fuckin’ cookies, I filled out the forms for the Afinitor (Everolimus, the chemo for the TSC) yesterday and faxed them back to the doctor’s office. I’m both excited in an anticipatory way and nervous in a frightened way. I know I’m being a sissy but it is kinda’ scary. It’s a big step. It’s a strong chemical for a reason, a big gun, and it’s used judiciously. It’s not like I’m the first to ever put it in my mouth, although it is sorta new to use for Tuberous Sclerosis. It’s not like my head is going to explode when the tablet hits my stomach or anything. Hair grows back, so it isn’t that, either. It’s the risk of infection or cancer down the road. I want someone with me to hold my hand that first day or two but that’s just stupid. The excitement in me is at the thought of the possibility of a reduction in pain from smaller kidney tumors and even though I know the hope is only to stop the growth in its track, I still can’t help but hope to shrink them. What if, by some miraculous stroke, it shrunk the angiomyolipoma in my spleen and if there’s a hidden one in my pancreas that is causing the unknown pain, it shrinks that also? Wouldn’t that kick so much medical ass? It would, it surely would kick TSC right in the balls.

E.’s had a day that hurts the heart. She wants ice cream. I don’t know where she got that from but I guess that’s kind of universal, too. You know, Sara Lee and Edy’s have cured more temporarily broken hearts and psyches than Freud and Jung. It’s a proven fact, there’s even pie charts and data ( Get it? Pie Charts? You see what I did there? ) The problem only comes when their cousins Oreo and the like began to be invited over when we have anything uncomfortable happen … or anything good, for that matter. She’s been sick for over a week with a cold that’s turned into a full on infection with slimy sinuses and everything. Now the baton has been passed to me since she now has an antibiotic. I woke with a sore throat, dry brain, funky ears and the Oreos have lubed both our intestinal tracts so it’s really pretty at our house now. We both look and feel pretty rough. Sexy as a mofo. I still have my hair, for now.

I don’t know what I’m going to do if this happens when I’m on chemo. E. has an immune system that runs and hides from every invader. Being in a school full of germy people, the poor kid catches everything that goes around. I don’t want to have to be hermetically sealed around my baby gurelle. When she’s doing what she’s supposed to be doing, her disorders have no power over her and her light shines through, she’s a lighthouse and so amazing to be around. At the same time, my immune system will be super compromised so I’ll be open to super infections, not just average ones. You read the paperwork and it says “Don’t use this mouthwash…don’t use with this medicine ….be sure to not take these herbal remedies….don’t drink this juice …” and you start to freak out a little and worry that you’re going to misstep. It reminds me of trying to get this surgery down pat but with even more dire consequences.


"The Interview" Please don't sue me Sony I'm just some poor, sick, schlub from Jersey. I like you guys a lot. I'll clean your house for free or something.
“The Interview” Please don’t sue me Sony I’m just some poor, sick, schlub from Jersey. I like you guys a lot. I’ll clean your house for free or something.

What do you do when your head is running against the wind, the stories of life, of the people you love, are crying in your ear and there is no hero to save them and Oreos will only make you barf? You take your medicine, drink some benign, flushing water, write it out, and watch adorable Seth Rogen and chiseled James Franco take out Randall Park (who is way way WAY too hot to be Kim Jong-un, as a side note). I get to pretend to be Diane Bang and kick so much ass … God, I want to look like her when I get younger. Do you think chemo makes you have beautiful, smooth, ivory skin, dreamy, dark eyes and perfect teeth?

Lie to me, damn it.








PS. Seth Rogen, James Franco, Randall Park, Diane Bang, and no one at Sony knows me from Adam, don’t give a damn about me and would probably sue me if they thought I made a dime off this and were using their names. I don’t guys, so don’t sue me, please? All I own is a six-year-old, five door Aveo and a lot of debt, anyway. I could, maybe, clean your house or massage your feet or something. Get at me. Love ya!



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