Eleven a.m. and waiting for my daily nausea to pass. Usually, some hot, black coffee, at most coffee with lactose-free milk, will settle things enough for medicines to be tolerated.
Last night after eating one Drumstick ice cream cone, then a pudding cup, followed by a, eight ounce cup of prepared iced coffee, I tossed it all the hard way. The debate as to whether or not people with VSG have dumping syndrome or not, like people with types of Bypass surgeries goes on. It feels like a terrible horrible blood sugar dumping; cold sweats, verge of passing out, need to barf, I crash and burn for about thirty minutes to an hour and need to recover after that because of a general malaise. The further along this road of WLS, discovery of my illnesses and the parameters they cover in me and my life, how the VSG has adjusted my body, the more I understand what is “typical” or “average”.
I posit that my body has been set to a new normal. I remember as a teen wondering as people would talk about sweet things making them sick. I didn’t get sick. There was no nausea, no stomach ache or the like from a fast shot of sugar or carbs as there should be in a body that has normal reactions to food. I’m simply having a reaction to too much sugar like others do and you know how much our foods have quadrupled in sugar servings over time.
My body processes food slowly (very slowly), it holds sugar immediately with an insulin dump to save it, I’m allergic to many of the things in prepared foods and have such a sensitive system because of my illnesses and genetic makeup it’s ridiculous. In a two month period of eating store bought, prepared foods, using my VSG serving sizes, I gained six to eight pounds (depending on who’s scale I’m on). Small batches of hives popped up so, going through the entire lists of ingredients in every box of food that’s been brought into this pantry and cross referencing them all is not happening here. We will simply go back to eating how I choose to eat. Others will buy what they want to eat on their own. I feel like crap.
Putting myself on the same level as others is new but it feels ok, shaky and a little scary, but ok. There is so much going on that I can not screw this time up being coerced into believing I am unimportant or less than. Having my shit together, being fully present to the best of my ability if imperative now more than ever. This means eating properly for my body to feel as well as possible given my circumstances. This is a very important time and I refuse, absolutely refuse to fall down now.
Someone told me they wouldn’t repeat a certain repetitive behavior toward me a year or more ago and I had responded “No, you won’t. Not again.” Standing by that today means I care about myself as much as my love for them and others.
I’ve between twenty and thirty pounds to go (depending on who you talk to), some say ten. I say, we’ll go by size. I’m a ten, I want to be a four. If I get to a six, I’ll be content. Healthier than I’ve been in awhile, grateful is the word used to describe me even though my health sucks horribly in comparison to others.
Remember during these times to think of yourself and not drain your battery on old behaviors. You are just as important as your loved ones and if your needs aren’t met you can’t meet others needs.