Chairs

Phenomenon (1996) –

Doc: Every woman has her chair, something she needs to put herself into, Banes. You ever figure out what Lisa’s chairs were and buy ’em?

[pause]

Doc: Nope. But, you’re right about one thing, George never changed.

 

I’ve heard before that love is a decision. It took a long time for me to understand how that can be true, how they don’t neutralize or negate each other. We don’t “fall in love” in mature love. We choose to continue on in love.

All relationships end.

We know this to be true; leaving aside all spiritual argument, in this physical world, all relationships end.

Even within reasonable boundaries, safety, emotional well-being, ability to grow and experience life and so on, loving someone always comes with an end already intact. That in and of itself is scary to us let alone to those with serious commitment issues. Fear of commitment is usually a fear of being hurt or of loss; a loss of free will or autonomy, loss of identity, loss of importance or position in someones heart. If there are no reasonable boundaries there are the added exposures to traumas both small and large. These relationships are within the scope of romantic and otherwise. None are exempt.

We have relationships with people, with ideas, objects, with ourselves, with our jobs and with other, non-human creatures around us. When we begin to examine these with an honest eye, without blame, recrimination or shame, we are able to truly begin to honor ourselves, the people in our lives and make the best of the time we have at any given moment. “Change isn’t painful, resistance to change is painful.” I was told at about 19 years old. It’s one of the biggest gifts given me. I resist change because of the fear. Letting go of my set relationship with someone or something is frightening (Better the devil you know and all that). Many times we simply don’t know how to do it because we don’t know who to be if we aren’t who we’ve always thought ourselves to be labeled.

Fat/Fit

Impulsive/ Can’t make decisions

Undisciplined/Rigid

Flighty/Responsible

Ditzy/Super Genius

Not the pretty one/The pretty one

The Friend/Lousy Friend

Pushover/Pushy

Once they REALLY know me/Lovable beyond all doubt

Hates broccoli/Health Nut

Unable/Carries it all

Unreliable/The Only One Who Can Do It

Victim of love/Never gets too involved

The Too Good Mother/Father

Redefining ourselves and finding out our humanness, our frailties may be uncomfortable because we find out we have unknown character defects but also character asset we were unaware of before. We’ll see things suddenly in ways we never saw, such as from another’s point of view in a situation we never even gave a second thought.

Thinking about how my illness had a much larger effect on my children than I even realized, was huge. While the illness wasn’t my fault, the tailspin it put me in was difficult and without other balanced spoonies to help me, I didn’t help my kids. They may not have been receptive or wanted to hear it but the obligation was mine to do it. This is not a recrimination, this is an acceptance of responsibility and how things could be done differently, how I could have been different, should have been different, how I can be different in the future. These are both positive and negative things, not simply a shopping list of how terribly I handled things.

I began to build a wall, brick by brick, each time a hurt came in my relationship. I’m much older, there was a fear about what others would say, a possibility of being left, I added another brick until there was only a peephole left to look through. I began to numb my heart, to prepare for the inevitable change in the relationship, began to make the change, began to leave in my heart. Making a decision to love regardless of the shift was very frightening, this relationship will end one way or another, it is already over like all our relationships. We are dying the minute we are born. We are getting old with each breath. That terrified me. These facts also freed me.

What would I be or do if I wasn’t sick? What can I be or do within the confines of being a person with these illnesses? How do I begin to heal past the traumas of violence and failures? I need to find out. We can’t live on fear. I’m dead already, my relationship with this body is already done. I have to remember this fact.

What made me re-evaluate my relationship? What made me rethink the safety of my relationship? He bought my chairs, right? No one has ever bought my chairs, that alone shows his love, right? Not if it’s hidden, broken when angry or renamed for others.

So, keep the chairs in the attic and basement, I’ll sit in my own chairs. I have so many new designs to make and try out anyway.

 

Chrissy_lime1

 

 

 

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