Idioms exist for reasons. Humans are creative beings. We convey thought, ideas, emotions in ways a link of words may not have originally been intended to be used. We hack and repurpose things in every area of life to come up with bigger, better, more purposeful ways of doing things.
Standing on the edge of a cliff and screaming is pointless, no one hears it. Shouting into the wind is useless, no one hears it. No one hears me as I scream “Fuck you, fuck her, fuck this, fuck it, fuck me!” but I get to say it. Nothing changes outwardly but that can be good, no damage, yet something changes inwardly. Things come out of me, energy is released. It’s better and right that no one hears it.
This is my abyss, my cliff, my shouting into the wind. I suppose it’s narcissistic in some ways but really, no one reads (I see the stats) so it’s pretty freeing. I can say just about anything short of where I hid the bodies.
Talking about what is going on inside of us is often misconstrued as narcissism at these junctures because people don’t see the other areas of our lives. They don’t see the private conversations for seven months where we listen and listen and listen and support and support and support (which is a good, and positive thing, it feeds both us and the other person). The problem lies in the annoyance or accusation of self-centeredness when a span of time comes where we need the same or have a place like this that is all ours. Self-honesty, true self-honesty is needed to be able to discern with a weathered eye, willingly so we can grow, whether this has any truth in it and move forward from there. It’s hard to not let people we respect and love guilt us or not go the direction they want us to go. It’s easy for others to make judgment calls when they only see the five minutes they care to spend in our lives. So be bare-bones honest with yourself and that means a true eye, neither better nor worse than reality, an honest inventory; the things you have, the things you are short of and what you can do to become whole.
Shouting into the wind, it’s all I have some days. Actually, it’s all I have most days and many times it’s what keeps me from going over the edge. I refuse to apologize for that, too.
Watching someone replace me, seeing someone lie boldly to me, being ignored publicly by a family member, having another say I look “sick-sick” in front of my kid, are reasons I shout into the wind.
Embarrassing myself, trying to hide my crying in public at a wedding during a dance, saying something that I don’t know whether it was socially acceptable so I’m kicking myself for hours later, having someone dislike me so much they ignore me publicly or replace someone with my name, knowing all the years I wasted on rotten decisions that hurt important people – these are all reasons I shout into the wind.
Actually, some days it’s screaming into the wind.
I try to avoid spitting and pissing into the wind. It’s a fine line.