We have so many filters or blockages that keep us from hearing what someone is saying or make it impossible for us to see the good in something because of our prejudice toward what we feel it represents.
I often use stories from the bible not because of my spiritual beliefs but because of its clarity, references to sorting out everyday issues (remove the word God or take the situation and reference how the problem was handled, use the parable in an esoteric sense for those without the same beliefs) and as a guide to peoples needs during times when unsure of direction. There are other books, authors and wise people I turn to that don’t close peoples ears as readily but I’m always surprised how quickly people dismiss a work by so many authors of poems, songs and parables meant to open everyday people in everyday situations.
“Why be good? Be good because it’s good to be good.” as Scott used to say.
That doesn’t require a Christian or spiritual belief system it simply requires human morals.
We become invested in being right more so than doing right.
When my neurology isn’t playing games with me, I love to read Hannah Arendts work. She speaks a lot about the two sides of the human experience. Sometimes we are so caught up in the paradigm of black and white ideation we miss her message of being double-edged swords; we have grey areas, weakness with our strengths, the good mixed with our bad. We are not without misstep or hypocrisy, our contrasts or mixed messages don’t detract but add to our story, bolstering the possibility that we can help and teach other. The realm of goodness and aid to humankind isn’t only the world of the saint, the martyr, the Gandhi, the Christ, the Buddha or the Sagans and Hawkings.
We don’t need all or nothing. We need each other.
A week or so ago I finally went to see my doctor after months of putting it off. I let him know I no longer wanted Klonopin for the seizures and movement disorder. I was only on .25 mg to .50 mg B.I.D., P.R.N. for the movements or seizures not to exceed two times daily. That’s a small dose in comparison to many, however, clonazepam is addictive if one isn’t careful and it makes me terribly depressed. If I took the medicine every single time my movements came out, it would effect me. I’ll find another way or live with it. Tramadol was also removed from the regime. I feel it isn’t a problem but if I have to now sign a contract for a med that was not a schedule III less than a year ago, somethings wrong. I’ll find another way to work with my pain. It’s been a hard transition with a lot of pain that I finally got under control a day or so ago and I slept.
With no body movements.
I’ve been angry. I’ve been afraid. I’ve been so sad and unable to trust a soul but especially myself. I’ve been able to feel the full brunt of my self-hatred without anything to buffer it and it has blown shit up. I have blown shit up.
This isn’t to say that in these aren’t appropriate lessons learned or reactions to what has happened in life. What it does say, however, is there is too much of it, they have won; they have my life. I live in the shadows of what was and it’s affecting what is.
This aggression will not stand, man.
We sign our lives over to these situations and these people and may not even be aware. We either go limp, pretend it isn’t happening which is like burying something alive only to have it dig it’s way out later like a Zombie, or we become hypervigilant. I want that middle path now. I want to see clearly because the times we are in can bring out either. I don’t like what it’s brought out in me and it will stop, but it sure has shown me a few things.
We need each other. When I hear you, really listen and hear you, I learn something. It may not be what I wanted to learn because I may be invested in being right or vice versa, but we get one step further toward our solution. I want a solution, a real solution, one based in reality that doesn’t steal hope and stability.
“Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
Having R.R. and death steal from me my belief in the ability be and stay safe or that I don’t always have to fight for safety has stolen every moment of every day. Being unable to unhook even for a moment of prayer and meditation from the mistakes, coupled by my body being in an uproar this week, reconnecting with a family member, has made me especially weak to this failing. It’s also made me miss that spark of love in knowing people. People are interesting to me, always wanting to understand them, to hear their stories, they are enjoyable, people matter. and that was stolen (or actually, put in a box, placed in the attic and taped up). I constantly squelch it now when I feel it. “Don’t trust, you’re gonna’ fuck up.”
We need each other. We’ve got this, I’ve got this. R.R. and the current situation doesn’t have my life tonight. I suppose I’ll have to declare that daily for awhile.
“The dedication of a lifetime — these are words that are easy to utter, but this is a mighty assignment. For it is often easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.” – Adlai Stevenson
So, it’s time to use the part of me, the focused part, the light part, to walk out of the self-made cage to stay safe, to escape the fear which is always behind anger. Self-protection is not anger, it is wisdom, it is brevity against what makes us afraid. I let go today for a little while. A balance in all things, our double edged swords need to wielded with an artists hand and I have to get my chops back.